Friday, January 7, 2011

Today is so unbelievably fucking hard! If I'm able to stand it's only half way and I'm clutching my stomach in one hand and covering my mouth with the other. It started when I was making Dorian lunch, a memory invaded my content day that had me dropping everything I was doing and brought on the heavy anguished sobs.
It was of me crying and using all the strength I had to not make audible noise. I was stroking jims head and kissing his forehead. He had his eyes shut tight and was struggling to get out of the leather straps that held him to a gurny. 4 feet away 5 or so security guards were laughing and telling eachother the story of what just happened. The guy who took my husbands punch was the star speaker, the other 4 were there to help wrestle Jim down on the gurney. At the time I just wanted to calm Jim down and not let him pass out from the meds with a feeling of confused rage. But now I have the rage, why wouldn't those guards SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! they worked in a goddamn hospital! Did they not understand that my husband was sick, working with half a brain, that he was trying to escape and flee from them because he was afraid! Now they are standing around him laughing while he is strapped down like a frightened animal and his distraught wife is trying to comfort him! Had they no fucking compassion! Fuck!
I think of the broken glass and being picked up by my neck by Jim or the rape attempts or the hits in the face or dining room chairs flying me way; and none of those memories hurt like the ones that came from other people lack of compassion or respect for my husband. He was still a FUCKING HUMAN BEING! He had a wife and 2 small children who loved him.
I feel defeated,...shit.

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