Realization

While lying in bed staring at the ceiling this afternoon (kids were taking a nap) I came to a strange realization about myself. NOTE-this is not deep, i attribute it to the pills i take.

Anyhow, I've always thought those people in the zombie movies who keep their afflicted loved ones chained to the wall, or chair and feed them bits of once living things were nuts. Or down right fucking crazy. I mean what is the point of keeping them around? First off, whatever made them who they were (their spirit) died, and secondly, they might or will kill you when they get the chance. So they should obviously get the hell away from them or make it so they can't kill others (basically just kill them).

So when i think of what jim (or what was left of him) & I have been through in the last 7 months i realized that i am that fucking crazy person or at least was. Jim was sick with no hope of return and i was seriously putting myself at risk. I was choked, hit, almost raped, ect. by a loved one who was losing his brains. It was rational to have him placed in a secure facility. But every time he was released from his 5150 holds i fought to bring him back. Why? That's fucking nuts. He could have killed me if he wanted (he is 6'6" and i'm 5' nothing). Was i crazy? did i think i could bring him back? would i follow him to the ends of this earth? did i? --I did not act rationally then and knowing that is what is holding me together now.

Strange days

Dropped Jim off Tuesday at a memory care facility.
OFFICIALLY singed the papers. No tears. No sobs.
Slumped over signing things. Hearing in the background "it's best for your kids, it's best for your Heath" looking up from my slouch I stare at her, she smiles. I look back down at the contracts and wish she would leave and give me a moment.
It's a big deal signing these documents. I'm giving my job to someone else who gets payed with money. My pay was the gift of knowing what true love is.
It's a ripping apart of our lives, we have been living around daddy's illness. Everything we do goes around daddy's schedule. Now I sign these papers and he becomes apart of their lives. They live around his schedule. Strange.
I signed them, I walk to see him. he was jovial, I was....nothing.

so sorry jim

well, i started having problems with speaking today, so weird. I called my Dr. and he said it was stress and told me to take an ativan and to seriously try to place jim, that my stress level is getting too high. So, I called the place where jim goes for respite care and told them that i will be bringing him in the next day.
Oh man, this sucks. I love him so much. and the thought of him sitting alone thinking "where did they go" "why did they leave me" really tears me up inside. The place is an hour away and will cost $4350 a month. But its the only one i could find that will take him that doesn't cost over $6000 like most nursing homes do.
But I need my kids home and my stress levels to go down. I've spent the past months being locked in the house with him. cleaning the floors when he refuses to wear a diaper, bathing him in the shower, sitting with him, he is my shadow, fixing all the messes he makes. and now i place him...I'm sorry Jim, I did the best I could. But this is whats best for us now. I will not give up on you. I will bring you back so that you can spend your final days hearing Clair de lune being played on your Steinway that your dad bought you and listening to your children play. I know that where ever you are you would be proud of me and would have wished that I let you go along time ago...I love...i miss you...