why am i looking for you again? did my brain not get the memo; husband dead, not coming back.
i used to believe that all possibilities existed at once. not anymore, time is real to me now, and reality never repeats.
a sad thought really. time never meant anything to me, the decades between us didn't exist. there was no reason to care about your cracks and wrinkles, your unbending views, or superiority over me in terms of life experience. when our spirits intertwined so to did our past, present, and future. our relationship on the external level had become even keeled.
but now, now that i no longer feel you with me i realize that time does exist. it is not the decay of nature that proves it for me, it's the loss of your spirit that was once part of mine. i always felt that loved one's who had died were still apart of me, but really, i had never been intertwined with their spirits like i was with you. i never really felt the loss that made me believe that time was real.
and now that time is real to me and it will never repeat, my loss increases. i had thought i was apart of your past, your youth, your spirit from the beginning. and you apart of mine. but that isn't true, it never was. i lost something that i thought was eternal.
what do i do with this? am i even thinking straight yet? my mind is still in a fog. how do i even know that my reasoning has come back?
