tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-45655078509208497392024-03-05T19:11:03.210-08:00Wake me when it's overA young widows self-absorbed dark corner.G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-25606658082433919812012-03-21T23:43:00.000-07:002012-03-21T23:43:11.279-07:00ideas not fully understood.why am i looking for you again? did my brain not get the memo; husband dead, not coming back.
i used to believe that all possibilities existed at once. not anymore, time is real to me now, and reality never repeats.
a sad thought really. time never meant anything to me, the decades between us didn't exist. there was no reason to care about your cracks and wrinkles, your unbending views, or G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-79229848196536438962011-12-15T10:40:00.000-08:002011-12-15T10:40:10.239-08:00a month ago my daughter asked me if daddy was "bad".
"no", i said, "he was sick". and i left it at that. since then i feel that one day i will have to explain myself to them. explain my actions, explain why i chose to care for their father over them, explain why his body acted the way it did.
when jim had died i found files on our computer, a sort of mini memoir, of major moments in his life G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-46962669945305558242011-11-28T09:19:00.000-08:002011-11-28T09:19:17.859-08:00Thankful
So this Thanksgiving I was actually thankful for something, unlike last year.
And the picture is what it was. When I see them in pictures together I get a sense of pride and I share this pride in my heart with Jim. Where ever Jim is I hope he cannot see them, that would surely cause him pain. I'm sure that the next life gives us some sort of magnificent understanding of all the pain and G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-64848693756390242362011-11-23T23:03:00.000-08:002011-11-23T23:03:01.778-08:00i told someone something about me today, something that they hadn't known before. i'm sure that it doesn't matter much to them but i can't help but feel that i've put an incredible about of weight on them. that i threw some unpleasant feelings upon them. and its not really "this" person that bothers me but that one day i will meet new people and they will think that me and my kids are a G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-42128807001871402432011-11-08T21:38:00.000-08:002011-11-16T15:14:37.403-08:00Life is moving on for us. I am now at peace at the time I had with Jim and with the time he had here. But our children's time with Jim i have yet to make peace with. I see and hear them hurting. When they watch other children play with their fathers, when Dorian asks me almost everyday if Daddy can come back, when Arwen proudly plays jims piano next to his urn; I hurt for them and the time they G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-69360792005494547512011-09-08T04:54:00.000-07:002011-09-08T04:55:58.640-07:00Grief Shift.I had my first widow nightmare last night. In my dream I was trying to get to Jim. He was in a hotel confused, hungry, and looking for me. I was in a car with the kids trying as fast as I could to reach him. I kept on having delays; car accidents, road blocks, flat tires... And the whole time my anticipation and frustration level was going off the charts. I finally get to the hotel and run in. I G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-26234364227302467282011-08-26T12:01:00.000-07:002011-08-26T12:01:50.274-07:00HopeToday is the 1 year anniversary of jims death. I'm staying at home today. Nobody is coming over. I will not call anyone to "talk". Why? Because I don't want to have someone try to make me laugh or discuss how I need to move on or point out that I am doing much better. Nor do i want to feel someone roll their eyes on the other end of the phone as soon as I mention the significance of the day, and G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-81141088980414271142011-08-25T14:01:00.000-07:002011-08-25T14:01:17.423-07:00ThanksOn behalf on my late husband, who's one year death anniversary is tommorrow, and myself, I would like to dedicate a whole hearted FUCK YOU to the Medicare system and the three hospices that refused to accept him.
I repeat, FUCK YOU.G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-69595381326599377552011-03-02T22:42:00.000-08:002011-03-02T22:47:36.134-08:00DuetG.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-17814622015502596222011-02-18T18:56:00.000-08:002011-02-18T18:56:29.526-08:00today was another bad afternoon. lots of anger and sorrow (and an infinite amount of tears). why couldn't you fight this harder Jim? why did you leave me here?
i can't call and talk to anyone about this. i'm pretty sure people are sick of it. and when i say these things aloud i feel like i'm gonna lose it.
the 6 month mark is coming up soon and i am so afraid. i have to move on and leave jim G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-1126881299117755522011-02-17T17:39:00.000-08:002011-02-17T18:51:41.780-08:00what is up with my brain today? I'm talking to myself (aloud), walking up and down the hallways, my stomach has that sunken sickly feeling, i can stare at the same speck on the wall for an hour at a time...
I thought these kind of days were over, guess not. the tears aren't rolling down so that is a plus. but the day isn't over yet.
side note: dorian keeps asking why i haven't gotten him a G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-73727071568986520952011-02-15T13:09:00.000-08:002011-02-15T13:09:50.762-08:00Final VerdictJim's brain had Stage VI Alzheimer's Disease. I spoke with the doctor that fist diagnosed Jim today and he said that Jim's "off" behavior is what threw them towards the FTD diagnosis. He said that Jim had what they call a high mental reserve (or something like that) so his brain was able to handle trauma a lot better than most people who have dementia. He said that they are currently G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-79075570732356757372011-02-12T05:38:00.000-08:002011-02-12T05:38:40.350-08:00Poetry- Eulogy to a Hell of a Damesome dogs who sleep At night
must dream of bones
and I remember your bones
in flesh
and best
in that dark green dress
and those high-heeled bright
black shoes,
you always cursed when you drank,
your hair coming down you
wanted to explode out of
what was holding you:
rotten memories of a
rotten
past, and
you finally got
out
by dying,
leaving me with the
rotten
present;
you've G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-5821992213009660992011-02-09T14:49:00.000-08:002011-02-09T14:49:09.435-08:00turning pointso i was texting a friend of mine today and the subject of how (or when) Jim and I started dating came up. while i just gave my friend a tidbit of the moment i later thought that i needed to write the whole story in my blog because i hadn't thought of that memory in a LONG time.
So i was in Jim's office and i had just worked a proof on the black board. He was my mentor/advisor (and G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-15348657866531789072011-02-06T22:40:00.000-08:002011-02-06T22:40:43.516-08:00widow bitchthis is what i've become lately.
i stopped my meds (except for anxiety and sleeping ones) 2 weeks ago today. i did it cold turkey, which i know is not a good idea, after my therapist told me i might have PSTD.
that's it, i want it to end. i don't want to do this anymore. i'm tired of grieving, i'm tired of being numb. i want myself back.
i missed my last 2 appointment's with my therapist and i G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-57674823369619861482011-01-22T22:30:00.000-08:002011-01-22T22:30:28.135-08:00Reason to Join a Support Group-2I started crying uncontrollably at a bar in a nice restaurant; not giving a fuck who saw me or what they thought.G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-75098743122461462652011-01-18T13:41:00.000-08:002011-01-18T13:41:38.978-08:00Dear Blog,
Get ready for a terrible shock.
I haven't cried over Jim in 3 days. As a matter of fact, I haven't even missed him in those 3 days. Am i over him? So soon, after 4 1/2 months? I doubt it, this reprieve is probably part of the grief. But I'm not exactly happy yet. I feel a lot like Arwen looks in this picture. She had just picked her first apple from a tree. We G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-40404325836996500432011-01-15T19:39:00.000-08:002011-01-15T19:50:59.992-08:00Reasons to Join a Support Group -1Gayle can sit for hours unlapsed,
doing nothing but stare at a box full of ash.G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-36801751974294144822011-01-14T11:14:00.000-08:002011-01-14T19:46:47.085-08:00Caregiving BlooperCaregivers, we aren't perfect. Most people hear of what we "put up with" or "go through" and suddenly they view us with a halo around our head. But we make mistakes, we breakdown.
Case in point:
June 2010. Jim is lying on his side of the bed watching tv. I'm not sure if he is watching the soft porn that we used to put on for him when we needed him to stay in a room. We did this so that we could G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-19256441349670880432011-01-12T12:49:00.000-08:002011-01-12T12:49:40.064-08:00Dear Jim,
I went into your office yesterday looking for a DVD, on my way out I did what I always do when I leave.
I looked at a message you wrote on one of your white boards.
(You wrote the part in red, in case you didn't know.)
Why did you write this? I stare at it for a good 5 minutes or so before i give a heavy sigh and leave. Just tears fall down and stop by the time i reachG.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-34492903726350166552011-01-10T22:21:00.000-08:002011-01-10T22:21:23.600-08:00Why?Did he not deseverve to live? Were there no good reasons enough for him to stay? Did he have to die while already being half dead? Why couldn't he die while at least being alive?
Why God? Why?
Silence.
Nothing? Is this your answer? Just, silence?
I can't even feel the Holy Spirit giving me a reassuring nudge that all questions will be answered in time.
As a matter of fact, I can't even hear G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-33843963749362171572011-01-09T18:17:00.000-08:002011-01-09T18:18:24.673-08:00The Runaway Bunny
"If you become a sailboat and sail away from me,"
said his mother, "I will become the wind and blow you to where I want you to go."
-Margaret Wise Brown
I read this book tonight to G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-27680365570655523992011-01-07T14:37:00.000-08:002011-01-07T14:37:07.336-08:00Today is so unbelievably fucking hard! If I'm able to stand it's only half way and I'm clutching my stomach in one hand and covering my mouth with the other. It started when I was making Dorian lunch, a memory invaded my content day that had me dropping everything I was doing and brought on the heavy anguished sobs.
It was of me crying and using all the strength I had to not make audible noise. IG.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-79024463737200886432011-01-06T23:59:00.000-08:002011-01-06T23:59:24.307-08:00Our ChildrenI was so out of it on the day of Jim's service that i was wondering how we all looked. We meaning the kids and I, well Jim too, but he was in the casket. So I took a look at the photos taken from the day.
this is jim, in the same spot where he had died a week before.
this is me, looking at jims body leave our house for the last time.
this is arwen watching the pallbearers carry her G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4565507850920849739.post-4416473702727768972011-01-03T22:04:00.000-08:002011-01-14T20:43:01.427-08:00trudging back down the mountain. again, and again, and again,...ad infinitum.I read my blog tonight trying to find some meaning in all of this. I can't find any. Am I Camus' absurd human?
There is a reason for the pills I am prescribed to take at night. Now is a good time to take them.G.C. McKinneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16004611986833261240noreply@blogger.com0