what is up with my brain today? I'm talking to myself (aloud), walking up and down the hallways, my stomach has that sunken sickly feeling, i can stare at the same speck on the wall for an hour at a time...
I thought these kind of days were over, guess not. the tears aren't rolling down so that is a plus. but the day isn't over yet.
side note: dorian keeps asking why i haven't gotten him a new daddy yet. and arwen was reading that "when goodbye is forever" book to herself. i told her about jim's brain autopsy report and what they (the researchers) use it for. she told me "but wouldn't it have been better if somebody else's daddy would have gotten sick and died, then they could have studied their brain instead of my daddy's?" i just smiled and kissed her head. i am seriously at a loss on what to tell these kids sometimes.
Update at 6:45pm-
I am SO PISSED AT YOU RIGHT NOW JIM!!!!! THANKS FOR LEAVING ME HERE TO ENDURE THE REST OF THIS MISERABLE FUCKING LIFE WITHOUT YOU!
I don't know why i am so ANGRY at you but i am. and for the moment i can't stop it.
Wow....change the word Jim to my husband's name and it's almost exactly what I have said (and more) numerous times. Either it's a normal part of the grieving process or we're both f*ing crazy. Going to the gym and yoga classes to calm my anger have helped...but it always comes back. It's been 12 weeks since that day my life changed forever. In some odd way it felt good to read this. The 2 widows I know have said they didn't go through "the anger part." Glad I'm not alone.
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