well, i started having problems with speaking today, so weird. I called my Dr. and he said it was stress and told me to take an ativan and to seriously try to place jim, that my stress level is getting too high. So, I called the place where jim goes for respite care and told them that i will be bringing him in the next day.
Oh man, this sucks. I love him so much. and the thought of him sitting alone thinking "where did they go" "why did they leave me" really tears me up inside. The place is an hour away and will cost $4350 a month. But its the only one i could find that will take him that doesn't cost over $6000 like most nursing homes do.
But I need my kids home and my stress levels to go down. I've spent the past months being locked in the house with him. cleaning the floors when he refuses to wear a diaper, bathing him in the shower, sitting with him, he is my shadow, fixing all the messes he makes. and now i place him...I'm sorry Jim, I did the best I could. But this is whats best for us now. I will not give up on you. I will bring you back so that you can spend your final days hearing Clair de lune being played on your Steinway that your dad bought you and listening to your children play. I know that where ever you are you would be proud of me and would have wished that I let you go along time ago...I love...i miss you...
G
ReplyDeleteIve read all the posts.
You my friend are like Joan of fucking Arc...like a warrior ready to fight for love and life.Im only half as brave.I know we havent had alot of contact, but I always have asked Andrew about you and you've always been in my thoughts. I love seeing all of our growth(you,me, andrew,sarah.) It's amazing too see where time takes us all.
I cant say I understand what you are going trough. I know it seems fucking painful. I did life a crazy life that involved craziness.docs.loosing the love of my life and moving forward.
I don't know if you know anything about A and I.?
When A. (my ex of 8 yrs) got sick.(schizoaffective disorder) I was willing to to do anything to make him well, to get us through it.What I didnt know was that there was NO "fixing" anything....he was unfixable, and getting worse... (this process took me three years to figure out..ha) falling apart so fast in my hands.
"what is happening, what is happening? What the fuck is HAPPENING!!!!! " I asked myself over and over as he was having an attack or hearing stuff or or or or or...
I can remember holding on so fucking tight.. praying (I'd never prayed until that night) asking God to make him well..please..please make us well.I was afraid of the present and so afraid of the future without him. I dont know if you feel this way? I do feel stronger today from those 3 years, I mean we made each other stronger over our 8 yrs together.
I wasnt going to leave him, but something needed to change after 3 years of meds, yelling at docs.shrinks. begging with mental wards. dealing with daily attacks and so much fear.I needed out.. but i felt guilt and a sense of loving him less...if this makes sense?
I needed to plan our end... and it broke me . The choice you made and will cont. to make for the four of you ,will be correct,honest and heartbreaking. This is why you are a warrior!
I felt guilt and loss... loss of all the time we should be having together.(which i guess is selfish)
ANGER... yeah cant forget about being pissed.... pissed for having to make ALL plans and back up plans and doing everything.
A and I didnt have enough time to take over the world... this was our plan.. you know...just not enough time.
I think the magic about you having kids with Jim is that you have him around all the time in each of them.Thats awesome. A and raised a Boston Terrier together, but I dont see much of him in Poe... maybe the eyes??? I like your idea of using a blog as an outlet.
. thank you Gale for sharing. What next for you?
lovelove Steven S
Thanks steven. Like u I am really pissed at times. like I wanna break every fucking window in my house pissed. Love is so strange at what it can make u do. I don't know what's next I'm just trying to make it through today. Love, G
ReplyDelete