I had my first widow nightmare last night. In my dream I was trying to get to Jim. He was in a hotel confused, hungry, and looking for me. I was in a car with the kids trying as fast as I could to reach him. I kept on having delays; car accidents, road blocks, flat tires... And the whole time my anticipation and frustration level was going off the charts. I finally get to the hotel and run in. I see his back, he is trying to tell a hotel worker something and they are looking at him strangely. Jim is sweating and looks so lost. I call out his name. He turns around and sees me, a huge smile of relief fills his face. We embrace. I think, finally I have him, he is okay now.
This doesn't sound much like a nightmare but it was. It was too close to our reality. Him being lost and confused and I rushing to get to him. To know that he is safe...for him to know that he is not alone, that I am with him...to take that lost feeling away from him, to bring him peace.
When I wake up reality hits. He is gone. I want to hold him so bad.
The year Jim was sick I was filled with emotions that could move mountains. The year after he died I was filled with very raw emotions that I never knew existed.
This year, after your mind starts to clear up, you've been telling yourself that he is not coming back and now you actually believe it. My emotions are now cold and empty, they give me the "pit in the stomach" sort of feeling. My tears are no longer fueled by anything. They just are.
I feel my grief changing. It is becoming less intense. This is good for me and the kids. But it makes me feel farther from Jim.
