memory

Talking to himself walking across the bedroom.
"i can't do it, i just can't. No. No."
laying down on the floor next to the bed in the fetal position.
"No, No. I can't do it."
curious and concerned.
"do what Jim? what can't you do?"
mumbling, distressed, twitching on the floor. covering his face with his hands.
sternly, "what can't you do Jim?"
"i can't. i can't stab that boy and throw him in the swamp. i can't, i can't do it. i can't kill that boy."

i'm stunned, everything goes quiet. i can't think. then i hear them fighting over some toy in the other room, "that boy" and his sister. i run to the door and shut it.

a week later i hear this episode being told to a room full of 20 doctors. i hear nothing but gasps and i turn to jim. the look on his face....
right after this meeting he tries to throw himself in front of a bus. he is so big. i hold him back at the first attempt. i can't hold him as he gets ready for the next one.
i let him go. i turn away.

a police car has pulled right in front of him.

that look on his face... at the time i felt guilty for holding him back because of that look.
i find no meaning in this memory. i want to leave.