daddy loved you dorian.

" I am alone. (toss that) I am utterly alone. By the time you have read this I will be gone, having jumped having plummeted off the winter river bridge"

Okay, that's not for real, it's a quote from Beetlejuice. But that is what i felt like on Saturday, not the suicide part of it but the despair feeling you get from watching that clip. So basically saturday sucked. I was really grieving, i guess the word is. hard to explain the feeling and even more hard to know someone who has had the unfortunate experience of feeling the same way. which makes grieving seem even harder to get through.
sunday was better. took arwen and dorian to see jim. dorian ran up to him screaming "DADDY, DADDY!" but jim just sat there unresponsive and drooling. those words used to be followed with jim opening his giant arms saying "Dorian, my Dorian!" and when i say used to i mean a month ago. anyhow, so dorian tried to get his daddy's attention by offering him m&m's (jims favorite) but still no response. i even saw some people turn away when dorian said "wake up daddy, wake up". I kept it together for the kids and rubbed jims back and head. we soon retreated to the living room area so that i could explain that daddy was really tired and that is why he hasn't said anything. dorian said "okay momma, maybe he wake up soon" ; arwen just looked at me like "yeah right".
well i really don't want to remember much of this visit later on so i'll just say that by the time we left dorian had gotten a response from his daddy and i didn't have a break down. there.

we stayed with sarah and the twins that night. justin was on his way from washington. it was fun and a needed break.-- its so empty in this house without jim. it feels like i am lost.