Monday, November 28, 2011

Thankful


So this Thanksgiving I was actually thankful for something, unlike last year.
And the picture is what it was. When I see them in pictures together I get a sense of pride and I share this pride in my heart with Jim. Where ever Jim is I hope he cannot see them, that would surely cause him pain. I'm sure that the next life gives us some sort of magnificent understanding of all the pain and pleasures of this mortal world. But at times I feel like Jim's love for his kids could transcend this "understanding". He had waited till he was in his 60's to have children, they brought him complete joy. It was different from my love for them, which sounds odd, but it was. And his love is still here, I can feel it. So much so that when one of the kids is sick and needs to go to the ER my instant thought it "Jim, don't you dare take one of the kids to be with you!" ...how silly this thought is. But I think it automatically when I feel like one of the kids is in danger.
Jim's love for his children was strong and I still feel the remnants of it. I hope that they can feel it too.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

i told someone something about me today, something that they hadn't known before. i'm sure that it doesn't matter much to them but i can't help but feel that i've put an incredible about of weight on them. that i  threw some unpleasant feelings upon them. and its not really "this" person that bothers me but that one day i will meet new people and they will think that me and my kids are a cute little family; then they will learn little bits of what has happened to us, what the sick jim did to me, what my adorable little kids saw. then, they will feel unpleasant emotions. this makes me feel ill, that the hurts of my past will hurt others who care about us in the future.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Life is moving on for us. I am now at peace at the time I had with Jim and with the time he had here. But our children's time with Jim i have yet to make peace with. I see and hear them hurting. When they watch other children play with their fathers, when Dorian asks me almost everyday if Daddy can come back, when Arwen proudly plays jims piano next to his urn; I hurt for them and the time they don't have with Jim. I wish I could take away their sadness and feelings of loss. This past year I had been mentally absent from them. They lost a part of me when their father died. I hope to fill that missing part of myself up with something good and loving for them. That is about all I can do at this point.